“Failing in magic”
I was always very afraid to “Fail” in magic.
I was afraid that people would discover “my” secrets, the secrets of an effect.
I was afraid to do a poor job and to perform “weak effects”.
The result of all this fear was first of all that the magic that I was doing, was less carefree. I was constantly afraid of failing. I had to be the best magician in the world while still being myself. The truth of the matter is that I’m not the best magician in the world and I’m not sure if I will ever be.
This need to be the best in the world or in my country only led to me not freely expressing myself in magic. How can I freely express myself and give people a peek into my world if I try to be something or someone that I’m not?
This idea to be the best was a painful one, it forced me to become a fake image in my head and to get further away from my actual goal. I had to be dreadfully honest to myself and look at the things I was telling myself to preserve my ego, but that was false.
This honesty towards myself I see as a very important thing, It allows me to become more at peace with who I really am, to find my real motivations behind things and to discover a stronger and deeper intention than the superficial one that I had before.
It took a considerable amount of courage, to be honest with my self and to want to deal with my emotions and feelings, this both applied to magic as well as to my personal life. I, however, believe that it is an important thing to be “willing” to deal with the upcoming feelings and to be honest with oneself, Of course, the “Payoff” of staying in a personal illusion is that It is comfortable, after all I’ve been there for many years. The catch, however, is that in the end, it will cause much more pain and sorrow than being honest and allowing myself to be me.
Realizing that it is perfectly fine to be myself brings out a much more joyous and authentic version of myself, I still strive to do the best magic I can do at that moment. But, I’m also finally open to perform new effects and see what people their true opinions are about the effect, even if it will fail.
The failure still brings up feelings of fear, but the fearful feeling is only a sensation, after all, nothing horrible is going to happen. Something good might even happen. Usually, it drives me to understand an effect even better and to solve a bit more of the puzzle of how “non-magicians” perceive magic.
I hope that this blog encourages some of you to go out there and face your fear in magic, may this be fear of performing or the fear of failure.